But really? I am shit, I feel shit, I have shit, I do shit, it’s all just shit.
It’s really hard to do the PMA crap when the most enthusiasm you can muster is meh…
See, I can’t even be bothered to write in the first person! Bleugh
These latest meds are killing me. Any of you guys on risperidone? Any advice?
And please no bullshit ‘go kill yourself’ I just might and then I’ll haunt your sorry ass.
Bad week. Changing meds = suicidal thoughts and a general feeling of shitness
Just a quick hello from the lazy nothingness going on right now.
Sometimes I just have to bow out. Take a mental, physical and emotional break from the world.
It’s not pretty. It’s days of lounging in bed or the shed in pyjamas wrapped in a blanket and hugging a hot water blanket. I’m on day two and fully intent to emerge only on Tuesday when I have to go to work.
In the meantime I’m wallowing. I’ve read a load of books, listened to meaningful music, ignored my phone, eaten easy food and dozed on and off.
I have no interest in or energy for interacting with anyone. Conversation drains me.
I’m not unwell or becoming unwell. I don’t feel depressed. I simply feel as if I have reached saturation point. My tolerance for reality has reached its limit.
Life is stressful and busy and inexorable. The constancy of existence is exhausting. If I didn’t opt out now and then i would start to get crazy. I’d lose the capacity to juggle and manage and function. I’d become overwhelmed. Is self harm. I’d be sectioned. I’d be suicidal.
Right now I’m so far from anything dramatic that it’s an impossible phantom. I’m good at self management and I keep myself well (with lots of help).
So what’s it all about?
I feel guilty. I feel terribly guilty when I opt out and distance myself from everyone and everything. I’m a woman; guilt is part of society’s gift to me.
I can rationalise that it is sensible to put my needs first because if I become ill I’m no good to anyone. Intellectually I know that everyone needs ‘me’ time and to recharge their batteries.
I still feel guilty.
bipolarlady asked: Hey! Wondering how things are with you? Hope you are doing well. x x x
Been busy and crazy. How are you?
Anti-gay youth group leaders try to keep a girl from her gay dads
This incident still angers me for many reasons. My dads are gay, and when I was younger, someone at my school invited me to a youth group event. When I got there, they spent most of the time talking about how gay marriage is wrong, and it made me really uncomfortable. So I said, “I’m not feeling good, I’m going to call my dad to come and get me.” When the classmate that had invited me told everyone that I have two dads and they are gay, all hell broke loose. The youth group leaders freaked out and said that I wouldn’t be calling my dads. In fact, they did not want me to leave. They tried to get me to see that my dads were sinning, but I told them I wanted to leave and that I disagreed with what they were saying. I remember being in tears, scared and wanting to go home.
I went into the bathroom and called my dads. They were pissed and came to pick me up. My one dad called the police when they got there, as the youth group leaders would not let them get me. The police went into the church and brought me out. Charges were not pressed but I refused to go to any more of those youth group events. Thinking about it now still bothers me, I shake when I think about it. – Name withheld by request
This fucking infuriates me